The Interview

Very few people are fulfilled, happy, contented and sexually free. Today, with the advent of internet dating sites and relationships, we just are not connecting in the way we used to. 

Successful, smart women have a harder time learning how to love, how to give themselves completely, how to be totally vulnerable and that’s what love demands. 

You can have great sex without love and sometimes you can have a certain kind of love without sex, but not usually. And people are not educated in this field.  They’re not taught what to do, how to do it, what to expect. We learn what we see growing up in our family.  And most families are not great examples. We learn by experience, which can be somewhat hit or miss.  And we look to what friends have to say, and what is in the media and the movies.  And yet, the individual experience is always very personal. 

There’s no way to live a fulfilled, complete life without being connected in that way.

But not everybody wants to be connected in a sexual sense, and not everybody is able to be so connected.  And for some people that’s okay.  We can’t decide the way anybody should live. However, what you are emotionally reflects in everything you do.  If you’re an angry person at home you don’t go to work and all of a sudden become “Miss lovey-dovey”, and a nice human being.  If you are sexually thwarted, your behaviour at your job will display some of that. You can’t hide what you are. It permeates everything that we do. So the people who are reasonably fulfilled, reasonably mature, interesting, and loving, are rare.   

Millennials

Millennials, are not thinking about marriage.  They’re not jumping in at 25 like we did in another generation.  They’re not deciding to have babies because everybody’s doing the same.  It’s a whole different ball game.

Sex Life in The Animal Kingdom

One of the things I like to discuss is about the Animal Kingdom.  The Penguins pair, have a baby penguin and when the baby penguin is able to fend for itself, they move on and find another mate.  So it’s serial monogamy!  Pigmy Chimpanzees, which are our closest relative in the animal world, have sex with whomever and whenever they like.  They are the least war-like animals on the planet.

The Ego and Sexuality

Today, many people are having affairs or want to be involved with other people while remaining in a marriage.  It can hold the marriage together lots of times.  There are other instances where couples have open relationships.  But we can’t write a ticket for everybody because we’re all different. We grew up in different homes with different values and we have our own unique experiences. But the ego –  how you feel about yourself – gets set very early in life.  That is, when we’re what I call “victims” of parents.  If it makes us feel good, that carries us a long way. 

There are some people that are not very interesting or bright, but they think they’re terrific.  That’s because this is the message they received from their parents.  For example, the parent whose child comes home with some scribble on his paper and the parents act like it’s a Picasso.  So we all come from a background that gives us a message about who we are and how we feel about ourselves.  And then we project that message and test it out in the world. And the world can agree with it or the world can disagree with it. For some, the world can come down pretty hard on them. 

So, it’s important to look at who you are, how you got to be that way, and what kind of insights you have into life. 

The Baby Boomers and Intimacy – or Lack Thereof

This generation are the “Me too” generation where it’s all about me.  They haven’t recognised the importance of connecting with others, they are selfish and self-absorbed.  They have an inability to recognise a causal link between upbringing and the products of that upbringing.  The reason for this is two-fold. 

Firstly, parents don’t want to feel guilty.  And secondly, they failed to discuss intimacy with their children.  Sexuality was simply a topic that was avoided for the most part. 

Intimacy is not something that you read about and learn in a book.  It’s something you learn experientially through the ups and the downs. 

And hopefully, though these experiences, you grow.   The only way people change is through crisis, or by having great insight or seeing a professional such as me.

But most people don’t even take the time to think, “Am I really happy? What’s getting in the way? What can I do to change it and learn?”

I wrote these books to help really look at these issues and learn how to have great relationships. 

Even in counselling, couples would much rather tell you what’s in their bank account than disclose what goes on in the bedroom.  Where, of course you’re really naked in more ways than one. 

That said, men are becoming increasingly sensitive. They are not the macho strong, never-shed-a-tear guy that they used to be. And they’re not always the main breadwinner.  So women have become independent. They’re educated and men have had to change as a result.  And I think that part of what’s taken place is good. Because to be vulnerable as a man today is not what it used to be previously.  Of course, there are certain cultures where it’s still rigid, but in America, for example, young men are able to have emotions.  

Social Media and Sexual Relationships

With the advent of social media, we’ve lost a lot of the opportunities to connect.  Because everybody is connected to a phone or similar device.  When I’m out at a restaurant, what I see are young people texting or on their phone.  They are not connecting eyeball-to-eyeball and really talking.

One of the most difficult things to do is to look each other in the eye and not say a word for one minute.  You have no idea how difficult that is for people.  It’s incredibly difficult. 

And then I would say to couples, “Tell your partner something important about you.” 

So they would say something and then I would have the partner respond by sharing what they just said.   I ask them to share what they just heard and what they thought was being said.   The results were shocking.  Communication should be flowing, understood, and picked up on.  And yet, it was drawing a total blank, or was completely misconstrued. 

So How Does this Impact on Business Success? 

Well, nowadays women in the main are no longer predominantly focused on being long-term home makers.  Women are having children later on in life.  Over 40% of American babies are born to a single mother.  When two parents raise a child, the child sees a relationship.  They witness first hand the traditional roles of a mother and a father.  And we’re not talking about just the finances and supporting a child or children.  

Solo Parents

Raising children on your own is an enormous struggle.  And when we were talking before about mothers working, the pull is extreme.   Because if a child is sick or if you want to go to see something at the school or whatever and you’ve got a big meeting at work or a deal to close, women have a pull.  It’s different for men. They don’t have that same pull. 

I think all mothers have the extra burden that men and fathers or husbands do not have.

But as women in work today, we are paid less by and large.  They are not the top CEO by and large.  And they have the dual role of running the house, taking care of children and work. And work is demanding in a way that if you’ve had a bad day and you come home you don’t just shake it.  Or, if you’ve had a bad time at home and go to work it doesn’t just disappear. Sure, it can be a salvation that you get away from the bad situation.   That is, if you really love your work and enjoy it or if you’re creative or whatever.  Then  it can be the lifeblood as well.  But for the majority of women, and for the women who have to work, that’s a whole different story.  And that’s pressure.

The Societal Impact on The Modern Woman

You know, we have a terrible opioid situation in America. Women with heart attacks and women with crippling situations that they can’t just get out of.  It’s not easy, no.  So women and work can be great, it can be horrible and, for the most part, it’s somewhere in between.

So, what can the modern woman do to improve their personal and therefore their business and lives?

The real issue is to be honest with yourself and to ask, are you happy with your life?

Now, nobody is happy all the time.  Happiness is relative.  But the question to ask, is whether your life the way you want it to be.  And that is all encompassing. However, the root of it is usually a relationship. There are all kinds of love.  Love of pets, love of politics and so forth.  But, for the majority of people, we’re talking about basic love between a man and a woman that’s reasonably satisfying.  If that sex life exists, then no problem.  But if you say something’s wrong, either at work or at home or just generally with you, you’ve got to address it.  That is first and foremost. 

If you’re honest about the issue and willing to address it, then that’s the first step to making something better.

It doesn’t happen automatically. And it doesn’t happen fast. And for some, it doesn’t happen.  But there are ways.  I’ve been counselling people for decades.  Sometimes it takes help professional help.  Or, as I said before, a crisis will force people to change in a way that they never thought they would.  Then there is insight – really reflecting upon an issue and gaining that awareness that enables change to ensue.

A Case Study

I have a friend who is in his 70s, and married a long time.  He was nice-looking and very successful.  One day, he was sitting and talking with me.  He confided in me that during his entire life, he had never wanted to be touched.  I asked him how it hadn’t occurred to him that this might be a problem, when he’d been married all these years.  He said that he was so busy at work making money and raising children, that he had never really thought about his sex life.  Well, you’ve got to think about it.  So why waste decades and just go through the motions? Or stay in a marriage for the wrong reasons? 

You’ve got to be honest and your heart will never lie to you. Your heart will tell you the truth, whatever is happening.  And you have to trust it. Well, you have to be brave.

Being vulnerable is the scariest thing on earth.  But sometimes that’s what love demands.  And that’s the reason why every song, every writer, every philosopher, talks about love.  Because it’s hard to get. But once you know it and once you have it, you wouldn’t have it any other way.  A satisfying sex life is simply that important.

Final Thoughts

Having worked in a hospital, I can tell you that health and illness and emotional life are very closely connected. And it’s a shame again that we are not educated about the most important things in life.   Which have to do with the fact that everybody wants to love and be loved. To be a feminine, successful woman, wife, mother, entrepreneur.  To put all of it together takes a lot of doing.  And it doesn’t come easily.

Now, if you’re paying a price on one end you need to look at what you’re getting in return on the other.  And the question then becomes, is it worth it?